


Feel my pain

by AydeePraysForDahmer



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anger, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Armitage Hux Has Feelings, Blood, F/M, Hate, Reader has feelings, Reader in my stories is always albino because albinos are great, Self-Harm, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 19:58:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17209961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AydeePraysForDahmer/pseuds/AydeePraysForDahmer
Summary: Finding the Soulmate is always the most beautiful thing ever.Or it´s not?





	Feel my pain

 

~~_Hate, hate, hate..._ ~~

~~_I am full of it._ ~~

~~_And that´s why you can´t find simple romance in my stories._ ~~

 

 

* * *

 

Serving the First Order doesn't  just mean doing just that. To serve the First Order means to be completely devoted to it. Dedicate your life to it. Dying for the First Order for the sake of greater good and the vision of a better world.  
Every individual counts. The more we are, the stronger we are. Each individual participates in the future, better Galaxy, where they are, and not just, idle.  
However, one small detail is missing, which has become irrelevant and completely self-evident in time. It's not always voluntary.

  
Is this my case? Yes and no. Actually, I haven't have another choice. I was drawn into it violently, but at the same time I went with it with some pride. I was not threatened by any of my parents, who are probably dead at this time. Whenever I recall them, I see only two foggy figures, but they have no face. They are two people who gave me life. There was nothing more in it. No feelings or emotions. Perhaps the two people were Soulmates, but it is also a miracle in today's cruel world.

  
I remember my first days from a dark cold place called Arkanis. There, all of us have created what we are. What are we actually?  
If I described it from the objective point of view of someone on the higher post in the First Order, I would say that we are the elect. Soldiers fighting for higher good. The ones that make the galaxy again rule the order and clean.  
But because I am, a living being who realizes it's existence and was so intelligent not to be manipulated by the crap that Arkanis has been fighting since childhood, I tell you that we are just other figurines that will be quickly replaced by new ones if they are used or destroyed. We are really strong together, but as individuals we are nothing. It doesn't matter to us, our lives ... It only depends on how much we will be. An ant as an individual can't do much, but when there is more, they are stronger.  
And that's probably my problem because it's not enough for me. I hate it. I don't want to be just another figure. I always wanted to be something more. I want to be _someone_. Someone who has a name, ability, independent thinking and means something.

And that's what my younger self was saying before on the Arkanis. At that time, I was aware of the foolishness and stupidity of my peers. Appearance didn't play a role. We each visually different, but in fact we were all the same. All of them, except for me.  
At that time, I was so stupid that I drew attention, even if unconsciously. I was so naive that I thought I was going to change the world or at least convince someone else. I have only despised views and discipline.  
Maybe I saw one boy looking at me differently than the others. His eyes watched me every time he was near. We never spoke to each other. I only saw him from a distance, and every time I looked at him, I looked back at him often. No smiles or emotions. But still it was stronger than anything else. I knew that he didn't even believe what we were in the head. For some time it took so long, and I once wanted to dare to go to him, but then his eyes began to roll away. Wherever I was, he avoided my gaze. From his eyes I no longer felt what he had done before.  
I gave up any attempts. I began to behave obediently to the eye and everything was as it should be. I dared. I proved to everyone around that I was able and willing to give in to the First Order.  
From the day I was "rejected" by the boy, I needed to discharge somehow. I was a favorite rival in the gym because it was so easy to beat me. They pounded into me every day and my bruises appeared on my body very easily. Several times I stayed overnight there. They poured into me so much that I stopped to take care. 

 

I crawled into my own world, which I haven't wanted to leave and into which I haven't wanted to let anyone else. My mind was still, and nobody could take it from me. I learned how to hide all this from the higher people who had us as toys. I've been licking my wounds every night when they beat me up. I trained, watched and learned how the others flourished and how their ego grew to be able to crush them. It turned out that I beat a boy so badly that he was no longer able to go back to service and was on a write-off. Since then, they have had me for the golden article that other soldiers and masters have weighed. Their smiles, which they said: Look, even the most dangerous article can be compared, I like watching and grinning inside. How wrong they were.  
Even after I began to pay the wounds to the others, _my bruises and wounds were painful on my body, and they were a little bit similar to those I had in the gym, but that didn't matter to me at all._

 

I got to Finalizer very quickly among the top lieutenants. In the beginning, everyone was doubtful in me, mainly because I was a woman. I'm too young and inexperienced. But even hints and bullying from other lieutenants didn't deter me, and I showed everyone I could do more than they thought.

  
Thanks to that, I finally reached what I wanted. I didn't want to be just anything, but I became something. I fought it. Literally. Several times I've been caught by several guys who tried to beat me up and show me who is the boss in there, but they regreted it later. I learned to defend myself. Thanks to anger that was already in my youth. The anger I had on everyone, but above all on one person and worse, to my superior.

There were really few people who liked General Hux. It didn't mean they hated and slandered him. They just couldn't say they like him. Like I was very young on such a high post. He got to it because his father died soon. Nobody believed it at first but then he showed everyone they were wrong. I should have respect and sympathy for him because he did the same thing I did. He was despised, but he did more. So why do I really hate him?

At first I felt a certain sympathy for him. It was before I had the honor to meet him personally.  
I've heard a lot about him. So much so that I was beginning to say that maybe he might be a person like me. And then there was a meeting when I stood in front of him, and as soon as I looked into those eyes, it came to me where the anger actually came from.

  
 _From that boy who so badly disappointed me at Arkanis._  
And now he stood before me. It was Armitage Hux, the son of Brendol Hux, who then caught me on Arkanis with a look that was not as empty as the others. It was the boy I knew and I understood. And then he started to strangle me.  
And he also recognized me. But we didn't let to know each other. That's when we talked for the first time, but we didn't even mention Arkanis.

I wondered why he actually did that. Why did he choose to left me? Then I realized he might have done the same thing as me. He hid it all in order to show everyone later that he was really someone. But I still had anger, because he was so selfish that he wanted to go on his own and threw me on the Arkanis to those lieutenant dogs.

 

We both knew what we were. We both went through hell to become something. Over time, my anger has disappeared due to this. It was again vague about everything.

The excitement of unconsciousness suddenly didn't happen to me in the gym. I needed another physical pain to stimulate all that hatred. That's why I took a knife in the middle of the night and cut into my palm. The red blood was suddenly so beautiful that I could not get it. I smashed it all over the bathroom, and then my hand was bound by the bandage.  
I did it another day again. On the same palm. Cutting wounds created an irregular star on my hand, like a symbol of The First Order, but I was mainly concerned with blood and pain. _Was the First Order about it? About blood and pain? Yes...._  
At that time I noticed that Armitage Hux began to wear gloves. But that was not so important to me. That's when I did not know it.

Once I went back to my quarters and reached for the knife again to make another scar. I found that the scars appeared on my other hand.  
I haven't remembered I cut into my other palm. The wounds looked fresh.  
I gave the reason that I was crazy and I don'r realize what I'm doing.  
I also started wearing gloves.

After this little discovery, I decided that the scars on my palms are actually totally impractical. I put my sleeve on the same hand and cut into my wrists. Blood flowed a little more.  
Next days I've done more scars. And then I found out that the scars appeared on my other hands. I knew so well that I haven't done it.

  
I've been to Finalizer for days and my thoughts have been back to my cut hands. On the bridge I looked instinctively at General Hux. And he looked at me. And then his eyes wandered to my arms.  
I looked at him for some time, longer than normaly, and I remembered his look when he was still a boy. The look said: I know who you are. This was similar. I remembered the gym classes where they first hit me, and then I beat the others, and yet I had the bruise itself. I never knew where the bruises are. And suddenly a picture of Brendol Hux appeared in my mind, and it all happened to me then.  
 _The look that said more than the words themselves ... The bruises from the school ... The scars on the hands._

It was the moment I started hating him. Again. He knew it longer than me....

I screamed at night like a crazy bitch. I was hitting myself. Everything around. But not unreasonably. I wanted him to know I was angry. I wanted him to know it hurt!

 

 

But Commander Ren has clearly shown me that I can't use it.

I started to have bruises around my neck. It was hard to hide them. Hux, of course, noticed them because he had them too. I wouldn't mind, but he did that with a ridiculous smirk. I was exhausted.

I was so angry that I cut my hand one evening. Not even after that, the scars appeared on my other hands. And then I cried. I felt the pain and he felt mine. In my dreams, I saw what his father had done, and he saw my peers and lieutenants abusing me.

  
 _We were both completely destroyed._  
I was acting like a bitch. As a complete weak who only needs to humiliate others for something that you have caused yourself. I've chased away everyone and the one who was like me. I've reproached him for something that I did by myself. But there was no reason to feel pity on me. 

 

I came to his office.

  
He stood by the window, and when he turned to me he had dark circles around his eyes and was pale than normaly. We both.  
He was surprised to see me. I was looking for some words, but it was stupid. It was a moment when I wanted to talk to him for the first time, not just professionally. Something different than just glances. It was harder than I thought.  
And just as before, silence again won.  
Most of the glances were better than words.  
He came to me and gently pulled off my sleeves on my wrists. And I did the same to him.  
Seeing the exact scars on someone else was so odd. It was much more intimate than anything else. We knew everything about ourselves and we never talked to each other more than it was necessary. 

I wanted him to know I was not weak. Neither him. To show him that he isn't alone and that the Soulmates are bounded together. That the two of us who went upstream and haven't wanted to be like the rest of the First Order could do more together.

_He knew all of that._   
_And I knew everything about him._

_Serving the First Order doesn't just mean doing just that. To serve the First Order means to be completely devoted to it. Dedicate your life to it..._

_Armitage Hux is the First Order._

_And I was devoted only to him...._

 

* * *

 

_**Opustíš-li mne, nezahynu.  
Opustíš-li mne, zahyneš!** _

_**\- Viktor Dyk** _

 

_**If you leave me, I won´t die.  
** _

_**If you leave me, you will die.** _


End file.
